My Third Fall

Five weeks since Ash Wednesday. You would think that I’d be flying through Lent filled to the brim with spiritual fruit after all the prayer, fasting, and almsgiving that I committed to. Well…let’s just say 7 days before the Triduum I’ve been reduced to a crawl.

Have I not been praying enough? Not fasting enough? Not giving enough? I really don’t know. I do my best with the time and energy I have amidst the responsibilities that accompany my vocation. But I was so broken down and exhausted that I texted my husband, “I think Jesus is even disappointed in me.”

I felt like a horrible mother. My patience was already wearing thin at the beginning of this week. Tuesday wasn’t much better. And on Wednesday, I was on the verge of a major breakdown. I could feel the tension boiling under the pressure of trying to hold myself together. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. I had to keep going.

Begging for God’s mercy, I asked forgiveness for failing my children. How long would I be able to keep this up? Daily arguments, hurt feelings, frustrations, cranky-tired meltdowns…and that was just the kids. The sunshine pierced through the storm clouds when Thérèse and I had this conversation:

Thérèse: Mommy, when did St. Nicholas become a Saint? When he was a kid?

Me: No, he became a Saint after he died. You have to die first before you can be a Saint. Then your family and friends share how good you were when you were alive. When the Church knows you’re in Heaven, then they make you a Saint.

Thérèse: So when I die, there will be TWO St. Thérèse’s in Heaven!!

Me (smiling): That’s right, Thérèse.

Gary tried to convince me that I was doing something right, and I had to thank God for that moment because it was the culture of faith we built in our home that was carrying us through some rough waters. Even though I stumble and fall when my cross feels too heavy to bear, my heart still cries out for the grace to embrace it and grow to be the best wife and mommy I can be.

I love my husband and my kids with all my heart and I want more than anything for us to share eternity with one another after our journey here is done. So I pray for a bigger and brighter perspective in my parenting, as well as in my marriage and every other aspect of my life. I realize that the more attached I am to the comforts and pleasures of this world, the easier it is to forget the ultimate purpose that God created me for.

It was incredibly timely that a dear friend of mine shared this beautiful Divine Mercy Stations of the Cross with excerpts from the Diary of St. Faustina.  My heart resonated with the reflections she shared with me, and I couldn’t wait to look it up and pray through them as well. Nothing could be more perfect right now, as I tend to be my own worst critic when I’m not meeting my own expections. So my soul cries out, “Merciful Jesus, I trust in You!”

Now for the home stretch…

“Nothing is mere coincidence; everything that happens is contained in the Word of God and sustained by his divine plan. The Lord passes through all the stages and steps of humanity’s fall from grace, yet each of these steps, for all its bitterness, becomes a step toward our redemption: this is how he carries home the lost sheep.”
— Pope Benedict XVI

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